Prom…

SCORE!!! So I think it may have been less than a week since my last blog, I do think that hell may be freezing over. Or not, either way I feel very good that my writing intervals have gotten much smaller. Now aren't my 2 readers happy?? Okay fine my 1 reader? Haha

Anyways today I kind of have a set topic but it is still quite jumbled up in my head. The best way to pinpoint it is : Family. I'm trying to expand on all 3 things I was thinking about in my previous blog…

So, what prompted my mind to think about family? Well its write up there in the title. First off I want to start off by saying that my prom date was awesome. And that none of my mentality has to do with her. Now that I got that out of the way; I would have rated prom a C+, maybe a B-. The reason for that was that I felt so out of place. If someone would have told me 4 years ago that some of my closest friends were going to shun me at prom, I think I may have died laughing. That would have been simply an impossibility in my mind. Unfortunately today that is not the case. Even though I was surrounded by friendly people at prom, I felt such solace the whole night. I can't say that I wasn't hurt after prom, because I was. But that is only half of what prompted me to write.

The next incident happened, well it's not so much an incident as something that has been going on for 2 months (well I took notice in the last 2 months.)…it's the care that my family has been giving me in the absence of my father. For all of you that don't know my father is currently serving a prison sentence and won't be released for at least a year and a half, I'm not saying that so I can receive any sort of pity because frankly I don't care for it. I am saying it to make my next point that much more meaningful. A little before my father was supposed to turn himself in, we moved in with my aunt in los angeles. It would be an understatement to say that I didn't want to move. I liked where I was, I liked the way things were going, I didn't want to change anything. However I didn't get a say in it. The first couple of weeks were a little rough because it took some getting used to, new place, new routines. After the initial awkwardness I began to really enjoy living here. I began to get that much closer to my family, and I began to see their love for me, I saw it every time my aunts would tell me to be safe when I went out, I saw it every time my cousins would cook for me, and I saw it in each one of their faces when I told them I was gay.

These instances reminded me about the power, and bond one holds with their family. Your family will always be there for you. Your relative, can't just stop being your relative. This eternal tie is something almost magical. Unlike most friendships, families become closer in tough times. It is this difference that has made me appreciate my family so much.

Friendboats….my titanic

So this will be my first edited blog, thank ya Mr. Jesse Han J. (however I make no promises at how well I can edit)

I mark this as a personal triumph in my blog writing because it has actually been less than a month since I wrote my last blog; which is way better than the couple of month intervals in my last ones (eeks). Anyway, seeing as how my last blog wasn't about a particular topic I think I will expand on one of my thoughts : friendship. (if you didn't get the title at first glance, maybe you'll get it after you read…if you still don't….uhhh…well….how bout them dodgers?)

Hmmm, friendship ayy? Well as I said before friendship and family used to hold much more similarity in my mind. In fact in my book they were once synonymous. That is, until recently. Recently I went on a hiatus from humanity, I became a hermit of sorts; well except without all that amazing wisdom. This seclusion from the world did just that, it secluded me from the world, and along with it went all my friendships. (most of them) In all honesty I think I have lost most of my friendships. Hence the sinking of my ship. My very own titanic, oh joy.

What wisdom have I gained from this experience? The first piece of wisdom is not to take your friendships for granted. A friendship needs to be tended to, and cared for; without equal participation from both friends, the friendship will…..well sink… the next batch of wisdom is a little harsher. Friends can leave you whenever and however they choose. Now that's not to say people are evil and I don't mean to sound bitter. The thing is that a friend has no REAL ties to you. Yes there are memories, and yes you may have invested time in each other, and all that good stuff. But in the end a friend doesn't HAVE to do anything for you. They don't OWE you anything. I learned this little piece of harsh reality the hard way. I really don't want you to get the wrong idea and think that I don't believe in friendships, and that you shouldn't invest in your friendships. I just want to say that friendships can end. Friendships are great, we are social beings, we need to interact. The message I want to get across is to be weary of the things you do, and never just expect things from people. Like I said before, don't take shizzle for granted.

Because I don't want to end on a sour note, I also want to add that I don't regret any of my friendships. Every one of them has taught me something about myself. I'm sure you have learned things about yourself through other people as well. Maybe that's one of the points of friendships? I never said that friendships had to end in a bad way. Some can have good endings.

I've heard it said 
That people come into our lives for a reason 
Bringing something we must learn 
And we are led 
To those who help us most to grow 
If we let them 
And we help them in return 
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true 
But I know I'm who I am today 
Because I knew you...

2:00AM revisted

So it's been a couple months since i last wrote on this thinger, and i have run out of excuses, i really have just been *blehhhh* if you get what i mean?...anyways its 2 in the morning and for some reason i just cant seem to go to sleep, in my endless search of something to do in this boredom i came across my blog again and i said, what the hey i might as well add a lil entry to kill the time and possibly make me sleepy as i read my own writing, haha.

well as of right now my mind is in a jumble, im really not sure what exactly i should write about, i have a couple topics in mind and i know that if i try to tackle them all on tonight im just going to end up with a bunch of loosefitting sentences and semi resemble conscious thought and dont reallly make sense to anyone but me. So in my effort to try to declutter my mind i will give this one to my negative 2 readers :) the topics floating around in my head right now are

1) Family- i recently moved in with my aunts and its a strange yet familiar experience. This move has made me think long and hard about the meaning of family and to what extent blood really runs.

2) Friends - my recent hiatus from the world has made me think about who and what true friends are. this topic in a way coincides with what family means but takes a twist at the end in my mind

3) Optimism - this topic brings about many little life lessons i have learned in the recent past and it explores what true optimism means to me....

i think those are the things that are going up in the old noggin, tell me what you want me to write about so i dont have to choose, i hate choosing haha

great gastby (not done with the book)

OH EM GEE...its been another super long hiatus from my blog, this is in large part to do with the fact that im lame and havent been feeling very inpirational lately...AND cause my internent has been down for over a month, so i come to you from my phone, thank jesus for smart phone (although this blog might be more error prone than usual) anywayss moving on...i have just finished reading the 7th chapter in the great gastby, as well as going over some of my past blogs, and they both made me want to write...im still not completely sure about wat...but ill will try to bring all my thoughts together in a moment....*sigh*...this isnt going well...

hmm, okay...i think i got it...the reason i started writing right now was cause i just finished reading sumthing very interesting to me...if you all have been slightly keeping up with the readings you all know that tom has been cheating on his wife and his wife is in love with gatsby and so on...well i have gotten so much outta reading this book but im frustrated..for many reason...well a whole bunch but for 1 most of all... tom is a selfish asshole, and gatsby is pretty selfish as well....

okay ..tom is a selfish because he wants to have the "love" of his mistress and his wife..he seems to want it all, with none of the responsibilities...like him a lot of people today "want" so much, but when the moment give a little back comes, they are to self-centered to think outside of themselves...gatsby is selfish because he is asking to much of daisy, to him it is easy to just up and leave without so much as a goodbye, but he cant see that daisy has had a life without him for 5 years...she cant just leave...yes she may love him, but for him to ask for a total life adjustment in the span of a day(or watever it was) is just too hard on a person...he must see, just as some of us today...that people indeed have limits...when we ask a friend to "borrow" their hwk, to fill us in on readings we may have missed, and to practically bend over backwards for us, we lose sight that although our friends are there to help us, we cant ask too much of them...and we must help them just as much in return

i know im not done readin great gatsby, and my opinon may change about these 2 characters..but wat will remain is my attitude on selffishness...

it is important to look after urself and ur own wellbeing...but keep in mind that we are a social species...so to be completley healthy we need ppl sumtimes...take care of them just as you do urself...

(sorry if its a lil incoherent...i wrote this on my phone lol)

Spelling beas…hehe xD

Okie dokes…I guess I took another month hiatus on my blog but here I am again writing my soul (and fingers)away lol xD…anywaysss…soo iw as thinking and todays topic is kind of a weird one, this is mostly cause there is a lot on my mind and my emotions are a buzzing away so it's a lil hard to think straight (not that I ever do xP heheh I mean lets this gay ya'll lol) with all this going on in my head….plus as you all know, most of my blogs are written in one straight shot so I don't proofread them and I don't check for errors and wat not…this gives it more of a sense of me just talking than an actual written piece, plus if you guys know me (which you probably do, or else why would you be reading my blog duhhh) then you probably know how I would say all these things hehe…anywhooo okie to todays topic uhmmm….okie I guess wat I can call it is fear?.....hmmm is it fear..well yeah, but wat I mean by that is, fear of trying, fear of succeeding, fear of greatness…

Okie this is where my "fear mentality" came from….sooo I have these friends right…okie i wont say any names but lets call them chick 1 and chick 2….okie soo chick 1 is like an amazing singer right (sorry I sound like a total valley girl but just bare with me) and everybody knows it, she can knock ur socks off with her powerhouse vocals, and make most American idol contestants look like grade school amatures…seriously…just amazing…anywaysss all of my friendship with her I have told her these exact same words, and those privileged enough to hear her, can share in my enthusiasm…the problem with this though is that she doesn't believe it… she doesn't think she is any good….because of this she doesn't persue her singing more…my thoughts though…are that she is scared of being amazing…she has all the potential in the world…if only she would use it…

I heard this quote in akeelah and the bee and it really made me think of this "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

Now on to my second friend…chick 2…okiee so this girl…she is uhh lets say NOT average looking…(well all my friends are beautiful goddamn you Asians and beauty!!!)….anywayss my friend is pretty she is smart and shes Filipino so she can also sing…gahh shes like the total package you know?...anywayss she is always telling me that she wants a BF and stuff like that…however she also says she has commitment issues…herein lies the problem for me….here I have this amazing friend, who, if she wants, can have an amazing bf, and an amazing relationship…but is scared of wat might happen…she doesn't believe relationships can work and thus doesn't want to fail…or maybe worse than that, she doesn't want to be proved wrong =/…this is wat saddens me the most…

Okay so I have explains both of my dilemmas with my friends…soo how do we solve this fear?...well first…we must look into ourselves and see that there is nothing to be scared of!....we should see that we all have potential inside, and when we choose to unleash is, we can all succeed…2^nd we shouldn't let others bring down our self esteem and raise our fear…we already have enough shit going on in our lives…bad influences just screw it up more…and finally don't be afraid to take the chances…if we aren't willing to risk, how can we expect to succeed?....you have to try, and maybe even fail a couple times…but getting back up is just as important..we must break free of this fear and start living life to the fullest <3

Okieee im done =] I hope you liked it xD…okie it was really random and not one of my best ones, but I promise my next one will be better!! I gots an idea already in the works =] hehe byeee

madea, and naruto?

Okay so its been forever and a day since my last post and I don't really know who reads this but eh its available for anyone that wants to…anywayss okay yeah about the title, yeah kinda weird huh? Theres totally an explanation for it I swear =] but firstttt so I was thinking, wat the hell is a blog used for? And then as I started reading random ppl's blog they are kinda weird and they are just out there sorta being random, and that's not to say that my blog is any less random, I just didn't really want to write about myself, I wanted to write about lessons that I learned throughout my life, to hopefully instill some sort of knowledge to you, my reader =] (if in fact anyone does read this)

Okay so back to todays topic….drumroll pleaseeee…..its….forgiveness J….yeah so why is my title "madea, and naruto?" you may ask…well stop asking! I already said that there was a good explanation…now back to the point.

A couple of weeks ago I was watching madea goes to jail, and she began to talk about forgiveness, and how its not for the other person, but its for yourself. this is was initially sparked my forgivness mentality. After madea I was watching naruto (totally lame I know but bare with me here) and in the cartoon there was this lil kid, and to make a long story short he totally forgave this woman for killing his whole family many years earlier

Now after I absorbed these 2 different things I came up with my own views on forgiveness. One, madea was right, forgiveness is for YOURSELF, not for the other person. If you let your anger bottle up and fester it only damages you and no one else, the person whom this anger is for is out there, living his or her life; and as harsh as it sounds, probably isnt thinking about you. So why waste the time and effort and even anger over something that just isnt worth it. Next some people may argue that whatever the person did is just plain unforgiveable and they shall never receive your forgiveness. Well again it isnt for them its for you, and just remember nothing is unforgiveable. My naruto story taught me that there are no bad people out there, just bad choices…don't perpetuate the cycle of bad choices and choose not to forgive this said person. That child forgave wat some would believe is unforgiveable, but he looked past the actions and looked into the person. He was able to see wat others usually cant and he forgave this woman. now im not saying go on a forgiveness spree, but take it one by one. little by little you should begin to look at the people that wronged you and forgive them. you dont have to tell them or anything because this is all for you. after you have begun to do this you will see feel a lighter heart. and positive attitudes never heart anyone.

soo why not forgive?

Okay sumthing of substance :)

Ello =]

Okay so I posted sumthing that was totally retarded (like 5 mins ago) so I think I should post sumthing of a little more substance…soo here goes, sorry if it doesn't make a lot of sense, its 2:12 in the morning so cut me a lil slack, there may be, most likely will be, a lot of mistakes

Okay so a while back I was watching Sex and the City with a couple of the girls, and I came to a realization. No not only that im UBER gay but sumthing even less obvious. It came to me after that one chick was pregnant and she said she didn't wanna ruin her goodluck because everything in her life was going really well…well this got me thinking…thinking about a flaw many people share..

The flaw is quite simple, when things are going well, we become scared of how they can go wrong, and in turn purposely sabotage our own happiness…that's it. Yeah it might sound simple (or not), but the problem has so many more drastic consequences…as I was thinking about this problem I looked into my life and looked at times when I sabotaged myself..the prime example of this (and bare with me because its gonna get blah) can be seen im my past relationship. Now if you don't know me it don't really matter because im going to address my own personal problem. The problem was that when I felt truly happy, and lord knows I did, I felt like it was to good to be true. I felt like I don't deserve that happiness, and sometimes it made me sad. Does anyone else ever feel like that? HOW THE FUCK CAN HAPPINESS MAKE YOU SAD?!?! Geez that's wat im thinking now, but at the time, it did. And most of the times, out of desperation, I found someway make my BF mad at me, or something, bnothing big, but it was always enough to ruin our happiness. And now that I think about it, maybe it was my fault that he left me….hmmm…anywayss

Just as this problem complicated, and kinda ruined (a lil bit anyways), my life, it can ,and probably in some way has, done the same to your life….so wats the solution?...hmm well here is where it gets complicated…

 

First…you must learn to love yourself. happiness, true happiness, starts from within….no one has the power to make you sad, unless you let them

 

Second…learn to love others…don't be afraid to let others in…im not saying that ppl wont hurt you..but the most vital lessons in life are learned through this pain, and if your lucky, some of these people wll make you happy

 

Third and finally…when you reach that happiness, and you will, make sure that you believe that you deserve it. Because you do. Life has a way of kicking our asses, so don't think you haven't paid enough for the happiness you are feeling.

Well I think that's all…im sorry if it didn't make sense I tried a lil and well its 2:30ish now my writng might be crap lol..anyways yeahhh byeeeee xD

(I DON'T PROOFREAD TILL AFTER I POST LOL)